The Spark in a New Relationship
There's something magical about the early days of a new relationship. That undeniable spark — a feeling of
excitement, curiosity, and connection — often sets the foundation for something deeper.
You know the feeling: the butterflies in your stomach, the eagerness to hear their voice, the little smile that creeps up when you think
of them. It's more than chemistry; it's the anticipation of possibility.
"The beginning of love is like the first few notes of your favorite song — familiar, thrilling, and full of promise."
While that initial spark can feel intoxicating, it's important to nurture it with honesty, shared experiences, and open communication.
The spark is the ignition, but true connection is what keeps the fire burning.
Whether it's a lingering glance, a shared laugh, or a late-night conversation, those small moments build a bridge between two hearts.
Embrace the spark, but remember — it's just the beginning of the adventure.
What is a "Spark"
A "spark" when meeting someone typically refers to an immediate and intense feeling of attraction or chemistry, often described as a strong
connection or excitement upon first meeting. It can manifest as a physical sensation, like butterflies, or a feeling of instant familiarity and
ease with the other person. While often associated with romantic relationships, this "spark" can also be present in platonic friendships.
Here's a more detailed breakdown:
Initial Attraction:
A spark often involves a strong sense of initial attraction or chemistry, where you feel drawn to the other person.
Physical Sensations:
This attraction can be accompanied by physical sensations like butterflies in the stomach, a lightheaded feeling, or a feeling of excitement,
according to relationship therapist Jaime Bronstein, LCSW.
Emotional Connection:
Beyond physical attraction, a spark can involve a feeling of immediate connection and ease with the other person, like you've known them before or
can easily talk to them.
Potential for a Deeper Relationship:
While not a guarantee, a spark can be an early indication of potential for a deeper relationship, whether romantic or platonic.
Not Necessarily Romantic:
It's important to note that a spark can occur in various types of relationships, not just romantic ones.
Can be Misleading:
Some relationship experts warn that the initial "spark" can sometimes be misleading or overshadow other important aspects of a relationship.
In essence, a spark is that initial, exciting feeling of connection that can make you eager to get to know someone better.
It’s hard to describe, but when you know, you know. It’s like a mix of attraction, and excitement, and just like your entire everything turns on? Like you
as a person, not like you’re sexually attracted to them. It’s even kind of strangely void of sexual attraction. The spark is bigger and louder than attraction
and it kind of drowns it out? It’s still there but not the main focus. Like your brain feels sharper, and your body feels buzzy in the best kind of way. You
have more energy, and motivation almost? You almost feel instantly addicted to them? Like one of the first feelings is oh crap this feels dangerous. Kind of
drawn to them like when you smell something delicious cooking? But all of that is in a split second. You don’t consciously think any of that. It’s just all of
that, all at once but it has no good descriptive words so we just say a "SPARK".
Like it’s doesn’t build over time. You don’t get a spark where there was no spark. You can build a good relationship, a good partnership, but you can’t
manufacture a spark. You’ll know when you feel it. You’ve just never met someone you’ve had one with. But when you do, you’ll know. Sorry I tried to describe
it in the easiest way I could. I hope this is helpful.
A spark, in the context of attraction and relationships, is a feeling of intense connection and chemistry between two people, often described as a strong
romantic or sexual draw. It can be triggered by various factors, including physical attraction, emotional connection, and a sense of shared values and
interests. For men, this spark can be ignited by physical attractiveness, confidence, a sense of humor, and a shared sense of adventure. Ultimately, a spark
is a subjective experience, but it often involves a combination of factors that make someone feel intensely drawn to another person.
Here's a more detailed look at what can spark a connection:
Physical Attraction:
Initial Attraction:
Physical appearance plays a significant role in initial attraction, triggering chemical reactions in the brain and releasing dopamine and serotonin, which
contribute to feelings of pleasure and desire.
Sensual Gestures:
Simple physical touch like holding hands, hugging, and cuddling can create a sense of closeness and connection.
Intimacy:
Physical intimacy, including sexual attraction, is a crucial aspect of a romantic relationship and can contribute to the spark.
Emotional Connection:
Shared Values and Interests:
Feeling like you connect with someone on a deeper level, sharing similar values and interests, can be a powerful catalyst for a spark.
Sense of Humor:
A good sense of humor that resonates with both individuals can make a relationship more enjoyable and contribute to the spark.
Confidence and Authenticity:
A woman who is confident and authentic can be very attractive to men, creating a sense of intrigue and desire.
Kindness and Appreciation:
Expressing kindness and appreciation for each other can create a sense of warmth and connection, fostering a positive environment for a spark.
Other Factors:
Sense of Adventure:
A willingness to try new things and step outside of one's comfort zone can create excitement and a sense of adventure, which can be attractive to
some individuals.
Emotional Intelligence:
The ability to understand and respond to each other's emotions can foster a deeper connection and contribute to the spark.
Communication:
Open and honest communication is essential for building trust and intimacy, which can be important for maintaining the spark over time.
“The Spark” vs. Slow Burn. How to Know If A Connection is Real
Oct 17, 2023 — We date hoping to find a unique connection with someone. It’s not guaranteed each first date will foster such a connection, but when
it does, we’re flushed with emotions that take us down the river of possibility. Since connections don’t come around so often, these possibilities
immediately excite us for the next date. There’s a spike of interest that leaves us giddy. But where it gets tricky is understanding the difference
between a healthy connection and a fleeting surge of lust.
First dates are both meaningful and superficial. They tell us everything and yet nothing at all. With only a few hours to decide if this person is
worth more of our time, we search for any signs of a connection. The race against time causes us to rely on superfluous gestures we can quickly identify.
It’s the culprit of the very thing that we’re told to look for. The spark.
What is “the spark”?
The spark is the feeling we’re taught tells us we’ve met the one. An aha-moment. The adrenaline rush that leaves us paralyzed in time. A moment
unpierceable by reality because, unfortunately, it’s not realistic. The spark is a feeling outside of our bodies, almost inhuman. It is the underlying
message of films, romance books, and advice from our too-far-removed friends in relationships. All telling us this spark is the single most important
moment that will launch a fairytale relationship.
Juiced up with the burning desire to possess such a novel feeling, we unconsciously look for it. The spark feels like the most logical solution to the
first date conundrum—knowing our date is the one within the date’s time limit. An objective that may lead us down a road of toxic spark addiction.
Because “the spark” is just a shot of dopamine.
Contrary to popular belief, the spark is not a one-way ticket to happily ever after. Instead, it can create unhealthy dating and relationship patterns
and expectations. Once we feel “the spark”, we continue to crave it with the person we felt it with. Eventually, reality catches up with us when the dopamine
high fades and we see the person for who they are. Still searching for that spark, we head out again, chasing that feeling. Because we’re told that’s what
represents connection.
A spark is quick and deceiving. It often can get confused with a gut feeling or intuition. It makes us believe that one all-consuming feeling equals
connection. But dating and relationships are more than one moment. They are a compilation of experiences, learning about each other, vulnerable conversations,
and trust. All found with time. The one thing a spark doesn’t consider.
Though it feels good to feel immediately drawn to someone, relying solely on “the spark” can be detrimental. If we do, each time we spend time with this
person, we will be endlessly hoping to experience the feeling again. We’re so blinded by the high, we remove ourselves from the moments that matter—the time
spent learning about this new person.
How do we stop searching for “the spark” without giving up the meaning of connection?
The spark is simply an exchange of energy. It’s an intangible feeling that something is right. But this can be true for other people and things outside
of romantic relationships. A place, a friend, or an alternative career path can all trigger that same feeling. It is our intuition telling us to continue to
pursue this person, place, or idea.
Meeting someone for the first time can stimulate an abundance of important emotions. Ones that don’t trigger a dopamine high. Vetoing “the spark” doesn’t
mean we’re not prioritizing a connection. Instead of looking for one feeling outside of ourselves, we’re tuning into how we internally feel. Thus, leaning into
our intuition—the secret formula to mindful dating.
How do we differentiate “the spark” from our intuition?
A genuine connection with a date makes us feel comfortable and calm. There’s an ease of conversation and an almost familiar rapport. These balanced feelings
can sometimes feel boring and uninviting. Especially if we’re used to associating connection with overstimulation. Many times, we miscategorized the date as
something more friendly. We think something more romantic should feel instantaneously electric. But that comes with time.
Disassociating from “the spark” takes practice and constant self-awareness. The old “spark” belief taught us to see calmness as a friend zone and overwhelming
compatibility as romantic. But sparks are quick. They ignite suddenly and burn out unexpectedly, leaving us confused and disappointed. Feeling the spark with
someone doesn’t mean the relationship will be lust. The trick is using the sparkly as an invitation to slow down and try a more sustainable, slow burn.
What is slow-burn dating?
Slow burn dating builds the foundation of connection. It’s taking the time to learn about another person by taking each experience as it comes. Slow burn
is the art of not rushing. Those “boring” feelings we spoke about before are signs of a potentially healthy slow burn relationship. A calming space on a date
is the foundation for continued openness and communication.
Instead of searching for “the spark”, notice how comfortable you are with this person. Can you be yourself? Are they kind? Do they share similar goals?
Waiting for “the spark” to reveal itself wastes precious date time. Focus on being present with your date and not writing off them because it’s missing the
Cinderella moment. A good date isn’t defined by one feeling. It’s a combination of everything you saw and learned.
Slow burn dating takes patience and optimism. The first step in learning how to date slowly is by giving the non-sparkly date another chance. People open
at different speeds, as do relationships. If the date felt good, use the next date to explore a new connection. After two or three dates, you’ll have more
clarity on the type of energy between you. Healthy relationships don’t come quickly. They bloom with effort and consistency on both sides. A moment doesn’t
make a lifetime. So, next time you dismiss a good date because it lacked the spark, think about the person. Did they make you feel comfortable?
From: The City of Dating
What Is "The Spark" And How Long Do You Wait for It?
Let's start with the first question about what this “spark” is. Yes, the “spark” is a very real feeling. The simplest way to define it is chemistry
between two personalities—it’s that charm you feel when you meet another human being that you really get along with. I’m not just talking about romance,
here, either! Think about your best friend, the one you can go for months without seeing, but then you meet up again and pick up right where you left
off.
Think about those people you have on speed-dial, who you immediately want to tell when something exciting happens. You know that vibe of mutual
excitement, that thrill of joy with them? That’s chemistry between two personalities. And yes, I believe it is an important part of romantic
relationships—that same feeling we’re looking for in dates is often what we already know in our best friends.
Some people can have this spark with almost everyone, and some people click with almost no one—maybe you have twelve best friends, or maybe your
brother is the only person who really understands you. The trick to using this knowledge in dating starts with knowing whether you have the knack of
recognizing personality chemistry, or if it’s not your strong suit.
Okay, so “spark” = chemistry between two people, got it. How do you recognize it when it happens on a date?
The answer isn’t dependent on the other person; it is highly dependent on your own personality. Going back to the friends analogy: think about when
you first met your best friend.
Did you feel that instant spark between you and just know that you two would get along great? Or was it a slower
development that happened over time, and eventually you two came to rely on each other more than you’d ever expected? Neither of these instances is
wrong, and both can be awesome.
Remember, chemistry happens differently for different people. My point here is to use your personal predispositions as a reference point for your date.
This is the first time you’ve met them, after all, so don’t expect it to be glaringly different than how you hit things off with new acquaintances—hopefully
with the element of physical attraction thrown in. Overall, you can recognize the spark in a romantic date pretty much the same way you have found chemistry
in other people in the past. Not so hard when you think about it that way!
Now for the toughest question.
How long do you wait for that “spark” to pop up?
A particular misadventure of mine involved me ignoring the lack of spark for far too long, which turned into hurt for my date when I belatedly broke
things off. I learned a good rule of thumb for how long you can safely wait for the “spark,” though.
That rule is: judge by how invested the other person
is. In other words, you can wait for it only as long as the relationship stays fair. What does that look like?
If you’re like my sister and know instantly if you have a “spark” with people (and this instinct has proven to be reliable through the years) you might
be able call a bad fit on the first or second date. Simply tell them nicely and both of you can move on.
That being said, if you can feel that “spark” instantly and know this could go somewhere, do NOT propose, elope, or do anything else drastic on the spot!
Common sense needs to balance your feelings, so don’t throw caution to the winds. Yes, you can tactfully broach the idea that you are quite interested in
them, as long as you respect whatever their feelings are in return.
Sabrina Zohar - The “spark” in dating is typically associated with an intense initial attraction or chemistry between two people. While this initial
spark can be exciting and enjoyable, it can sometimes be misleading or overshadow other important aspects of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Here
are a few reasons why relying solely on the spark can be problematic:
- Unrealistic expectations: The spark often creates unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should be like. It can lead to a belief that a
relationship should always feel intense and passionate, which is not sustainable in the long run. Real relationships require more than just initial
chemistry to thrive.
- Lack of compatibility: The spark doesn’t guarantee compatibility in terms of values, goals, and lifestyles. It’s possible to have a strong initial
attraction but discover later on that you’re not compatible in important areas. Compatibility is essential for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
- Ignoring red flags: When we’re caught up in the spark, we may overlook or dismiss red flags or warning signs of toxic behavior. It’s important to have a
balanced perspective and consider the overall compatibility and emotional well-being of both individuals.
- Building a foundation: Sustainable relationships require more than just the initial spark. They require shared values, effective communication, trust,
and a willingness to work through challenges together. These qualities are developed and nurtured over time.
Instead of solely relying on the spark, it’s valuable to take the time to get to know someone on a deeper level and assess compatibility in various aspects
of life. Building a solid foundation and maintaining a healthy connection is key to a fulfilling and lasting relationship.
Jun 16, 2023 — 1150 likes, 25 comments - sabrina.zohar on June 16, 2023
Dill pickle
My Own Experiences
In my lifetime, I have experienced "The Spark" twice. I consider that amazing, wonderful, and totally unexpected. Ironically and puzzling to me,
both of those occasions have occurred in the Puget Sound area though they were separated by 54 years. I wonder what it is about that area and the people who
live there and myself. I doubt that I will ever know why.
Sadly, both of those spark events did not turn into long term romantic relationships. The first, in 1971, was partly because we were young, partly because
we were heading on different paths in our lives, unknown to us at the time, partly because we had a fundamental religious issue that we would have had to
resolve - this would not have been known to us unless we had been together more than the three weeks that we were together. But, Oooohhh, those three weeks
were like magic and I still remember them fondly. An AI image of Christy is on the right - I don't have a photograph of her.
I'll tell two stories about "sparky" time. After we met at Kalaloch Beach Campground, Christy, Karen (her close friend), and I decided to go swimming in the
ocean. (Note that I had grown up swimming in the ocean, so it was familiar to me but not to them.) So we went out into the waves and I positioned myself between
the two girls. When we got out into shoulder deep water where we could bounce up and down as the waves came in, Christy took my hand in hers and held on tightly.
After a while I noticed that on every wave, my hand (held in hers), ended up on her breasts..... and I wasn't doing that. I thought it was a bit odd, but it
wasn't. Oops, I missed that not-subtle clue. Christy later told me that she was doing that deliberately.
Later that night, we were sitting on a huge log overlooking the waves, talking, sitting close to each other, then holding each other. Finally I decided to
kiss her. I/We did, deliciously, long, a bit of tongue, and with brilliant flashes of light to our closed eyelids. "Wow, this is so amazing!!!", I thought. "I've
never kissed anyone like this before, I want to do this forever." And we were kissing like that for a good while, with stars exploding as we did. It felt like
there was only the two of us in the whole world!
When we finally stopped to catch our breath, we opened our eyes to see that there was a Search and Rescue Operation going on right off the beach where we
were sitting and they were dropping flares! We thought it was our kissing creating the flashes. OOPs!
The second spark experience was completely different. It occurred when I was 74 years old. I guess age does help give you a bit of wisdom. While on a Puget
Sound cruise at the Town of Friday Harbor I wanted to get some pictures of a totem pole structure in a park next to the harbor and then go walking around the
town. When I got to the park, there was a lovely lady walking her dog on a long leash right at the totem pole. We immediately noticed each other and a hilariously
funny "dance" began with me trying to get clear photography shots, her dog running around and back and forth to me and to her, and her trying to get out of my way.
Meanwhile the dog was wrapping the leash around my legs, the totem pole, and her legs. The dogs action kept making us get closer to each other. We made eye contact
again and just laughed. So we introduced ourselves to each other.
Then we started talking...and kept on talking, and talking, and talking. It hit me during that time, like "BAM" and "YOU LIKE HER" and "WOW", "It seems like she
likes me too!". It caught me off guard, but I recognized what it was. From the twinkle in her eyes, her laughter, and eager conversation, it seemed like we had an
instant connection.
But you could sense we both had a bit of caution. I mentioned that my cruise ship leaving the next mornig, I was married, etc. Since I mentioned that I was later
heading to see the town and wondered which way to go, she told me that she lived up on the hill, exactly where I should head to see the town. But first she had to
finish her daily walk with her dog (that she then introduced me to).
We joked a bit about the good weather, quite unusual for Friday Harbor. Naturally she picked up on my accent so we
talked about that for a while, which led to me telling her I went to WSU, which she had also but at a later date than me. Eventually, after about an hour of just
talking, we were done with the Totem Poles and dog pooping so we headed over to the stairs. We said our goodbye there so she could finish her dog walk.
If I were single, if I lived somewhere in the Puget Sound area, if I wasn't leaving (and maybe that wouldn't matter), I think I would have asked her if I could
contact her again, maybe have a coffee somewhere in town or a casual dinner. But this was not possible so that is how this second "spark" ended for me.
